My life with bipolar: the ups, downs and in-betweens
I’m a chronic hobby dropper, so naturally I did nothing with this blog for over a month. However I’m back for some commentary on mood shifting. Mine’s been fairly stable for the last month or so, which has been a blessing, and partly why I’ve not been writing here. When I’m feeling well I don’t … Read more
Every time I’m depressed I think it will never end. And then one day, the fog just lifts and it’s like a light has turned on inside my brain. That 180 turn is so disorientating for me. It’s not really a case of gradually feeling better for me – this time I went from planning … Read more
I just spent an unproductive half hour reading my blog from 15 years ago. I used to use it as a platform for venting any and all of my feelings. It’s certainly a picture of teenage angst. But it’s also a picture of suffering. I spent my years at sixth form struggling so badly with … Read more
It is a mystical power that I see in other people – the ability to get up every day and make good choices that support their life, and do it consistently. Getting dressed, brushing your teeth, doing the washing up, having a shower. The most basic things, and yet I struggle with them so much. … Read more
It’s like coming home in a way. When you spend a significant part of your life depressed, every repeat episode is like settling into an old jumper. The jumper may be thorny but your body already has holes. It fits. But the problem with inhabiting a space you’ve already been before, is that you see … Read more
I’m off sick. I have been since the beginning of December, unless you count an abortive attempt at a phased return to work, where all I learnt was that I was now incapable of doing the job I’d been doing 2 months ago. It’s now nearly February, and I’ll be honest, I don’t know how … Read more
In the years between 2019 and 2022, I had one episode of mania. Several depressive episodes, but I thought my mania was sorted. And then wham! In comes 2023. Three episodes in the space of a year. I was completely floored. I had been lured into the false sense of security that my condition was … Read more
I find myself afraid to say the word ‘mania’, and ‘psychosis’. I feel as though I’m not allowed to, unless a doctor has explicitly said those words to me. On paper, irrefutable. It doesn’t help that all the mental health workers seem to be afraid to say it too. I don’t know if there’s something … Read more
It’s a tremendously strange thing, to experience a completely different concept of reality to everyone else, and then to come thudding back down to earth, expected to just reintegrate back into ‘normality’, just like that. I experienced a fairly major episode of psychosis just over a month ago now, and reconciling the thoughts I had … Read more